Hello hello and happy Friday! Hope everyone is doing the best they can, and that in the end that proves to be enough. I’m just logging out from a crazy week at work and about to pour me a cocktail, but wanted to drop something a bit lighthearted for consideration on this fine August evening. I got jokes for days on my end, not every post is going to be heavy and deeply introspective ;-P
Anywho, folks who knows me in real life, and even folks who know me on social media, can tell you how I am absolutely obsessed with dogs. The bigger the better, and the more socially-maligned the more endearing I find them. I myself am the proud pet mama to an 80-pound pitmix, and I just think that he is the bestest most loveably little bubbas I’ve ever met in my life ❤ I love puppy cuddles and snuggles and kisses (not on the mouth!!). I love the way dogs love you unconditionally, are a constant source of joy, force you out of the house for walks even when you don’t feel like moving, and how they will defend you if they feel someone oversteps into your territory or personal space. My dog Dallas is the baby boy I’ve never had, and I would do literally almost anything in the world for him. Someone once asked if I had a choice would I shoot a person or my dog, and my question to them was…who is the person? Like is it my mommy or brother? Is it a random stranger? I had questions, and this person got so offended that I had to laugh. Dude, I LOVE my dog. You think a stranger stands a chance? Tuh!
That being said, on quite the opposite end of the “warm and cuddly” spectrum there are those who know me in real life, and also on social media, who know that I do not want human children of my own. Never have, never will, no thank you please. I don’t knock folks who are parents or who wish to become parents, and my heart goes out to those who long for that bond and are unable to have biological children of their own. Yes, there is always adoption, but y’all get where I’m coming from with this. That being said…
The next time someone tells me the reason I only love dogs more than children is because I haven’t had kids myself, I will be sending them a Zelle/CashApp/Venmo request for $500 towards my “Fertility Fund” since they wanna be in my uterus so bad. You want me to have kids so bad? Put up or shut up, ma’am/sir.
Y’all got “Have a baby with no life partner” money around these parts? Y’all gon’ help your girl pay for private school and sports and feeding this little monster <ahem> I mean blessing? You puttin’ something in the pot to pay for the abundance of therapy and spa time I will need to deal with the stress of raising a whole-ass human being that I didn’t even want to be here? Is there a return policy for said child if I don’t like how it turns out that won’t send me jail? Are you advocating for my health and bodily autonomy in the medical field and with our law makers since Black women are 3-times more likely to die in live childbirth than our white counterparts? Are you paying for the “Mommy Makeover” to put my organs and muscles and vee-jay back into their proper places when I pop this kid out? No? Oh you were just giving an unsolicited opinion without knowing my mental, physical, and financial state on whether I should procreate and add to the Earth’s overpopulation? Shhhhhh…ut the fcuk up dude LOL!
Leave me and the rest of my dog-loving brothers and sisters in peace! We’re not hurting anyone by choosing to NOT have kids, least of all the feelings of a stranger we don’t have any connection to. Leave us to our cute puppy outfits, our playdates, our Starbucks Puppuccinos, and our Rich Auntie/Uncle/Zaddy vibes. Y’all’ve got this parenting thing down! Let the rest of us live in homes where things are where we last put them, where there’s no slime or sticky crap on our floors or walls, and our bank accounts are thriving and abundant. You do this for us, and we’ll try really hard to pretend along with you that you love this parenting experience as much as you say you do. I respect folks who chose to have kids, but I really respect folks who have kids and warn folks that if they had to do it all over again they would be #TeamPetParent for life.
Y’all be blessed and y’all stay silent. Cheers!
Cheaper Than Therapy 